1. acidzenwonderpaint:

I don’t even know why people bother worrying about cancer, what with the giant birds.

    acidzenwonderpaint:

    I don’t even know why people bother worrying about cancer, what with the giant birds.

  2. Always remember your kid’s name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don’t let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers… for yourself. And when in doubt, make funny faces.

    A

    M

    Y

    (Source: olivesnooks)

  3. shelbysbutt:

    It makes no sense that I tell myself

    If I want to be touched

    the first

    (and only)

    step is

    shrink.

  4. shelbysbutt:

    Eating peanut butter&raisins with my bare hands because I don’t deserve love!

  5. Knock-Knock Jokes Written by the Three-Year-Old I Babysit

    magnoliapearl:

    1:

    Knock Knock!

    Who’s there?

    Tall tall building!

    Tall tall building who?

    I’m just a building. I don’t even have any name. I think I will just sit still.

    2: 

    Knock Knock!

    Who’s there?

    Poop poop toilet.

    Poop poop toilet who?

    (CACOPHONOUS GALES OF LAUGHTER)

    3: 

    Knock Knock!

    Who’s there?

    Napkin Pal.

    Napkin Pal who?

    *screeching* DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME??? I SAID NAPKIN PAL!!!!

    4:

    Knock Knock!

    Who’s there? 

    A banana on your head.

    A banana on my head who?

    Oh, you wouldn’t know my name.

    5:

    Knock Knock!

    Who’s there?

    Everything.

    Everything who?

    EVERYTHING

    Not many people know that Magnolia babysits horse_ebooks.

  6. lucybellwood:

Never Stop Practicing.

I have my own version of this page and it’s called “100 haNO. FUCK. GODDAMIT. WHAT IS THAT Q@#$ ASHSUFH I DIDNT EVEN DRW THE RIGHTE NMBR OF FINGES”

    lucybellwood:

    Never Stop Practicing.

    I have my own version of this page and it’s called “100 haNO. FUCK. GODDAMIT. WHAT IS THAT Q@#$ ASHSUFH I DIDNT EVEN DRW THE RIGHTE NMBR OF FINGES”

  7. szaandthings:

    SZA for Vogue 

    You guys are listening to SZA, right? You should be listening to SZA. You should very very much listen to SZA.

  8. acidzenwonderpaint:

The diagrams were made by doctors.  A thousand of them.

    acidzenwonderpaint:

    The diagrams were made by doctors.  A thousand of them.

  9. Last year I made myself stop using the word “crazy” to describe anyone and it was a really good decision. Some words are loaded. You shouldn’t point anything loaded at a person.

    (Source: serfbwort)

  10. mmesurly:

nsfwjynx:

mybonessaid-writethepoem:

gallifreyanconsultingdetective:

amithereal:

grimbark-entity:

horatioandalice:

birdsbirds:

deviantbirds:

What is going on here??

birdsbirds is what is going on

WIGGLY OWLS

[OWL INTENSIFIES]

WHAT IS ON THAT PHONE

I found it.

I WAnT LIKE 28 of them

It WOULD be Kesha!!

listen, in a pet store near my house there is a giant boy-parrot who is very mean and tricky. he’ll wait for you to be watching him and then he’ll pick up a toy and intentionally drop it near your fingers, hoping that you’ll slip them through the bars of his cage (to HELP him, the jerk) and he’ll bite you.
this was explained to me and my kids a couple of weeks ago, as we stood around his 8ft cage, by a girl who worked at the pet store. she told us that he does two tricks: he sometimes meows when he is in a good mood and he almost ALWAYS dances when kesha plays.
kesha speaks bird. what is she telling them?

    mmesurly:

    nsfwjynx:

    mybonessaid-writethepoem:

    gallifreyanconsultingdetective:

    amithereal:

    grimbark-entity:

    horatioandalice:

    birdsbirds:

    deviantbirds:

    What is going on here??

    birds
    birds is what is going on

    WIGGLY OWLS

    [OWL INTENSIFIES]

    WHAT IS ON THAT PHONE

    I found it.

    I WAnT LIKE 28 of them

    It WOULD be Kesha!!

    listen, in a pet store near my house there is a giant boy-parrot who is very mean and tricky. he’ll wait for you to be watching him and then he’ll pick up a toy and intentionally drop it near your fingers, hoping that you’ll slip them through the bars of his cage (to HELP him, the jerk) and he’ll bite you.

    this was explained to me and my kids a couple of weeks ago, as we stood around his 8ft cage, by a girl who worked at the pet store. she told us that he does two tricks: he sometimes meows when he is in a good mood and he almost ALWAYS dances when kesha plays.

    kesha speaks bird. what is she telling them?

    (Source: ForGIFs.com)